& i’m only human
I have begun a new high school. In doing this I have set off the wheels in motion for disaster. I don’t know what I am doing, but everything feels right. So you’re probably asking, “Why disaster?” Well, children. There is this guy. He is the dark, mysterious guy who has friends but stays secluded, the guy on the road to self discovery. We kissed. The sad thing is, is that this is my ex best friend’s ex boyfriend. Well, this sucks.
hi. i don’t know what to say right now. you will never see this, unless i decide to show you if we hang out tomorrow. i have a lot to say, so please bear with me, because now that we’re moving on from each other, there’s things that were left unsaid… that i want to say. things i always wanted you to know.
i’ll start at the beginning. i am so happy that i ever met you. that day on the bus, the day before the freshman field trip. you were really fucking obnoxious, and it’s funny, because 14 months later, look at that, you still are! you were annoying enough to be heard over my phone on max volume. i appreciate that, kiddo, that was my favorite song that you interrupted.
everything was magical and wonderful. rushed yet slow. a bunch of combined oxymoron’s would describe us. we were so bad for each other, and good at the same time. you balanced me out, you fought me at every turn, we were both stubborn and hard headed, and it did us no good, but it only brought us closer together.
i will miss kissing, and holding hands, and cuddling, and making love, and i’m sitting here crying, because i will always love you, i have from the very moment i saw you. you are perfect. and you deserve the best and nothing less than that, and i hope that you find it some day, and i hope i do too. and i’m texting you right this minute, acting like i am perfectly fine, but i’m not.
but now that we’re not together i can tell you things, and i will help you get the girl you like, even if it fucks you over, because i want you to be happy, and i want to be happy. you’re helping me get the guy who doesn’t care, and i’m just about done with him. there’s better, just like i always thought with you, but there really wasn’t. everything was worth it. every fight, every tear, worth it.
i will always love you dylan carl………… always. no matter how much it pains me to let go. but it’s okay babe, because we will always be best friends, who knows what the future has in store for us.
“It’s the worst thing to fall in love with someone who will never stop disappointing you.”Something Borrowed; Emily Giffin (via dedikatedly-urs)
friday . i was sitting home alone, bored. realizing it was probably going to be another lonesome weekend until saturday night, vicki’s party. i ended up somehow at diona’s house, and it was the time of my life. nothing made me realize how much i missed her more than seeing her, crying to her, confessing everything that had been going on to her. i missed having someone to cry to all the time. it was heartbreaking. and she asked about skibs and i pathetically had no story to offer, and i was ignoring dylan, and there were no new chapters in my life, and it was the same for her. and i can only hope the two of us can grow stronger from here on out and get better and happier. together. even though we’re apart.
saturday . rich moved out. another chapter in my life and my mother’s gone. so much has been leaving. leaving. i wondered if anything would get better, if there’d be any change in my life. i came home in the morning from diona’s and slept until about two hours before vicki’s party. typical wear. skinny jeans, ballet flats and a decent shirt. i’ve been dressing like a scum bag lately so i figured i’d make it up to her. her party was pretty wicked, enough lap dances and grinding to go around for everyone. it was nice to see tonia outside school and have a real conversation. and i got to see lexii and meet this ryan kid she’s together with on facebook. i saw all these people i hadn’t seen since the eighth grade and i realized how disconnected from reality i truly was, that things needed to honestly change in my life and i would start with this night.
today . was perfect. my need for dylan is almost gone. and i can accept him as a friend and nothing more now. he told me he wants to date again one day, but i will let my good friend God guide me where i want to go. i denied Him so long, and now that i have Him i feel like i have some sort of direction in my life. things are changing, for better or worse, and i will accept it as it happens. i went shopping with mom and had probably the best tasting starbucks coffee in the world. it’s called ‘pumpkin spice.’ tastes like the season autumn in a cup. made me get creative. so i started on my english project, started writing my novel again after a month, and then i got a text from skibs. i know what you’re all thinking. him again. yeah. well. that text happened to change my life too. and i can’t help but thing that this time i won’t fuck up. i’ll do it all right. that he deserves that. and if it’s not what he wants, then i’ll be happy with whatever he chooses. i missed him, and if i have him back just as my best friend i’ll be grateful enough for that. and skibs, if you’re reading this, which i hope to God you are, i never stopped loving you.
i still meant every word i said, to you.
- Sammii: I. WANT. YOU.
- Skibs: you can have me whenever you want. Sam I will always be around for you
- Sammii: you aren't now.
- Skibs: i wish i could be
- Sammii: sigh. what would you do anyway.
- Skibs: lay next to you and make sure you understand im not going anywhere
you are such a waste of my fucking time.